Saturday, December 22, 2012

Kiss it off.

Hey again! Yesterday I posted my guest blog about kisses. Today, we have the other side of the coin. The kiss off. Although I love a good kiss, I have a soft spot for a good kiss off. Which ironically doesn't usually have a kiss. So here's the guest post I did about a time honored tradition, the kiss off.

There’s a rule in life: Don’t piss off an artist. They will put you in their work and kill you off in the most delicious of ways. This holds true for all artists. Van Gogh sent his ear as a kiss off! Seriously, we’re a little unstable.

This holds true for writers: You think Steven King just brutalizes his characters for fun? He's getting even with someone.

Choreographers: You’ll stand in the back or be a base even though you only weigh 100 pounds. Also the sweetest revenge: costumes.

Directors: They are the masters of your destiny out there. Piss them off, you’ll hear about it when you accept your Razzie.

Screenwriters: Please! Did anyone see what happened to Dr. Drake Remoray?? Dropped down an elevator shaft! 

Songwriters: Taylor Swift anyone?

Of course, being able to immortalize your wildest fantasies of telling the jerk to shove it with the added benefit of said jerk never knowing for sure if you meant them or not leads to the greatest kiss offs of all time.

Every kiss has a muse and the kiss off is no different. So let’s take a minute and look at some of the best.

1) I’m an avid watcher of The Vampire Diaries. (Team Damon, in case you were wondering, which you weren't if you follow my blog) Some of the best kiss offs are on this show. Seriously, Julie Plec has some serious teenage angst lurking in there. So it was hard to pick my favorite, but here it is.

Katherine has just come back after 145 years to mess with the Salvatore boys one more time. It’s a wonder she stayed away so long. In the tradition of upholding the most unbelievable element on a show full of witches, werewolves and vampires, she picks Stefan over Damon. 

Really? Stefan over Damon? 

But not before she toys with them both.

So after much to do, Stefan has picked Elena and Damon is alone in his bed. Kat saunters over to him in a sexy little night shirt. She leans in and whispers some seductive words and you think heart broken little Damon is about to give in. His hand goes up to run a finger over her high cheekbone. Her eyelids lower, mouths drawn close. He grasps her face in both hands and as their lips graze one another he says, “Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find one.” Then unceremoniously pushes her aside and goes back to his book. It’s brilliant.

2) The next kiss off comes in book form. I spent a lot of time thinking about my favorite literary kiss off. It’s so hard to choose! I love in Twilight… hahaha Just kidding. (Boom! Kiss off!)

Seriously, one of my favorite kiss offs comes from the pages of Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. It’s on page all of them. Every word of this book is a kiss off. To the man, to Tyler, to Marla and eventually even to the reader when you realized you’ve been duped and you’re happy about it! It’s a genius work of anger mismanagement. If you haven’t read it, I recommend it. Follow it with a viewing of the movie made from it, which is also genius, with a dash of Brad Pitt’s body its most amazing form. 

3) Best kiss off in a song? I have a tie for this one. The first one has to go to the queen of female angst = Alanis Morrisette. Has there ever been a better kiss off song than “You Outta Know”…ever? One could argue that Pink has rivaled her a couple times, but this one reigns supreme. The first line even, “I…want…you…to know.” Each syllable enunciated for effect. The weight of every word coddled in her mouth before spat out in rhythm. And of course, each woman scorned’s favorite line, “Are you thinking of me when you f**k her?” Yeah. Kiss off complete!

3(tie)) Taylor Swift has to have a place on this list. Even her love songs have a bit of a kiss off feel because we all know who they are about and she’s telling the world, “You were sweet, but now you’re a jackass.” I almost couldn’t pick my favorite kiss off by her. I love “Picture to Burn.” The chorus says it all. “I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just another picture to burn.” Preach!

The two runner ups were “Better Than Revenge,” a girl to girl kiss off and “Dear John.” This song is beautiful and for anyone who has ever dated a musician or artist, you probably feel these words were written in the blood from your mangled heart. The best part about this particular kiss off is that it seems innocuous, a Dear John letter, but in truth it’s about John Mayer AND he plays guitar and sings back up on the record. Well done, Taylor. Well done.

5) The mother of all kiss offs. It doesn’t even need set up so I’ll be brief. A woman longs for an unattainable man. Surviving a war, famine, death of a child and a little of everything in between, she only at the end realizes she can’t have her precious Ashley. And that Captain Butler, whom she suspects from the beginning knows what she looks like without her dress on, is really the love of her life. His response to her too little, too late declaration of love?

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

As far as kiss offs go, this one truly slaps us across the face and storms off, not even bothering to slam the door behind them.

(As an added treat for you, I left my bio below, so you get the full effect of my nerdery.)

Angi Black is a dance and performing arts instructor at Centerstage Performing Arts in Baton Rouge, LA. She loves music, life, wine and has an unhealthy crush on the written word. She has 3 adorable children who are growing up far too quickly. Angi is prone to road trips across the country to see her writing pals at a moment’s notice. Being the Ambassador of Awesome is hard work, but between that and dance she finds time to write an absurd amount of words each day and is currently in the query trenches. Her only publication to date is the “Write Your Own Book Contest” seminal classic, “What’s in the Trunk?” from fourth grade. Sadly, it’s out of print.

Find her tweeting far too often @AngiNicole722
Blogging about all things writing here: 

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